that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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