FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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