Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Are my feet made of real feet?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If you need anything just hit me up
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.