yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think I am morally bankrupt
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.