Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea