my phone needs a breathalizer
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
