I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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