The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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