Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
