Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
we should paint friendship bongs
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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