i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
