if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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