lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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