i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
