I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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