I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
