plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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