Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
