I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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