Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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