Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
