thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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