he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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