my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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