Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Of course I have a pirate flag
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
