jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
