hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
