i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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