I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
