At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
