maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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