Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
