Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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