It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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