This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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