I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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