please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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