You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
