you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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