New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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