why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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