I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
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If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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