Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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