I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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