Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So many bounce houses so little time
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
