Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
