Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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