6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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