I wish I could teleport
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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