I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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