is wine microwaveable?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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