So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
