everyone is single if you try hard enough
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
