his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
