Dual....:-)
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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