Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
