I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
