I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
